Combatting Self-Criticism

On some occasions, the harsh criticism of others can be crippling, but most often the criticism that does the most damage in our lives is our own. Self-criticism is a more deadly poison because we often don't set up any guards against it; we have no defenses.

It happens when I compare myself to others, or when I'm embarrassed that my child didn't perform up to par in public. It happens when I feel defeated after a bad day rather than determined to find a better solution. And it happens subtly, when I mutter "we homeschool" under my breath and feel as though I might ought to offer an apology for that fact.

Self-criticism is sneaky and subtle, yet overpowering. And the best way to defend against it is to stay alert to its tactics and to prepare for it.

Recognizing Self-Criticism.

The first step to guarding against self-criticism is recognizing its tactics, knowing where it's likely to attack, and the verbal assault that it is about to launch. It could happen at your local homeschool group, or at your favorite blog. It could happen on Facebook or while you are chatting with your friend. Instead of rejoicing in someone else's success, we immediately notice the differences. And the self-criticism begins its attack: "We don't do it that way." "I never would have thought of that." "I couldn't possibly do more than we're doing already." And then, from noticing the differences, suddenly those differences make us feel inferior: "No wonder we struggle." "I'm just not cut out for this." "I could never be that kind of a homeschool parent." We resort to absolute statements of "always" and the even more common "never." Then, we resign ourselves to defeat and discouragement.

Defending with Realism.

Ironically, many of us who struggle the most with self-criticism claim to be realists. We're just "facing the facts," we say. And yet, it's probably more true that we are omitting certain facts.

For instance, I only occasionally post about our bad days on my blog. Every now and then I will have caught it on camera or will have learned something valuable enough from the experience to warrant publishing it to the world. But everyone's natural tendency is to present only our best for the world to scrutinize. Remember that as you drool over someone's curriculum, school room, or craft-filled lesson plans; remember that their children throw tantrums and color on walls, too.

Another dose of realism is to recount your own successes: the things your children have learned, the days that were highlights of education, the moments when the light went on for your children. If you find yourself a frequent victim of self-criticism, keep a journal of your high moments and refer back to this often. Bottom-line: remind yourself of the reality that everyone has lows and that you, too, have some highs worth remembering.

Personally, I find myself most susceptible to self-criticism when I feel that I have something to prove. I put more pressure on my children to succeed in public, and I put more pressure on myself to do things perfectly. And the result is that I'm destined for defeat. It's the fear of man, and it's a guaranteed snare.

One of the most powerful quotes in my life, one that I come back to over and over again says:

"I live before an Audience of One. Before others I have nothing to gain, nothing to prove, nothing to lose." --Os Guinness

When self-criticism fingers its way into your day, recognize its tactics, be prepared to face it off with reality, and then remember to whom you are accountable. There's only One opinion worth worrying about.

To read all of Tracy's posts on "Combatting Criticism," click here.

Combatting Criticism: The Art of Shrugging

I've had to teach my son the art of the shrug. It began when several times a day he would come to me in a heated fury with a remark like, "Mommy, she said I wasn't a boy!"

What do you tell a four year old who feels his masculinity is in question? Well, I told my son to shrug it off. "You are a boy, aren't you? You know you are. So just shrug it off, son. It's not worth a fight."

But "shrugging" criticism isn't always easy. The hurtful remarks and cynicism can pierce pretty deeply sometimes. Why? Because the words prey upon our fears and doubts. When our convictions aren't nailed down, when we feel a little uneasy or inadequate, the criticism haunts us.

The key to defending yourself against this criticism is not lashing out in fury and reacting on the outside, but establishing your defenses on the inside.

• Forming Conviction. Criticism absolutely demolishes weak convictions. If I'm only "more or less" convinced of what I ought to be doing, then I start to second guess my motives. Some re-evaluation is healthy, but constantly doubting your conviction leaves you paralyzed with fear. If my conviction is based only on what "feels right" without the concrete answers to anchor the conviction, criticism has an easy target.

• Gaining Confidence. Bottom-line: confidence comes through experience. When your convictions have weathered a few storms and remained buoyant, confidence begins to break through the clouds. Confidence is not an evil, by the way; close-mindedness is. You can be confident in your conviction, while remaining open to better ways of accomplishing your goals. When you have confidence, the focus is on finding better solutions.

• Remembering the Cause. Sometimes, it's not the lack of conviction that makes us an easy target. Rather, it's the feelings of inadequacy. We aren't sure we are carrying out our convictions in the best way. I don't know any homeschool parent who hasn't stopped at one point or another and had to ask, "What on earth am I doing?" But realizing that others feel equally inadequate is a defense in itself. Your feeling of inadequacy doesn't make you inadequate. Remember why you are striving and what you are striving for.

Chances are, when you remember the cause you are striving for, you will be less concerned with how smooth the march becomes. Most battles are not won with a straight charge ahead, but with a series of charges and retreats. So your homeschool might not be as creative, as structured, as routine, as ordered, as whatever as someone else's. What does it matter?

Do you know that you are doing what God has called you to do? Then do it with all your might. God knows, and you know. So together, let's practice the art of shrugging: deep breath, shoulders up. Now let it all go.

For more on "Combatting Criticism," visit Tracy's blog Growing in Grace.